Hadron Collider To Be Renamed “Halo”?

According to this news post, a contest was held to have the Large Hadron Collider renamed, and among other awesome names such as “Black Mesa” and “42″, the winner is “Halo”.

It seems Microsoft will attempt to sue CERN for this. Most likely, they will fail (because Europeans always win in the end). They will then attempt to sabotage the Hadron Collider by replacing the test sample with something downright stupid, and cause the resonance cascade.

OF COURSE! If the Combine take over Earth, imagine how much money Microsoft will make! Combine weaponry and technology powered by Microsoft Windows! They’ll be rich (it’d also explain why the Combine are such poor fighters compared to the HECUs from Half-Life 1)!

The Large Hardon Collider

I’ve figured it out! The Large Hardon/Hadron Collider is a countermeasure to the combine suppression fields. Humanity has hope to battle the combine now!

We just need to wait for them to arrive…

I swear this will be my last LHC post of the month. I know I’ve been trying to squeeze every single bit of (un)creative writing out of it and some people may feel nauseated.

World Ends Sunday: Follow Up

Okay. I was wrong. The blackhole created by the LHC was a girl.

I admit my mistake (numbers 1, 2, and 3). Are you people happy now?

So instead of a hungry pasta and planet eating boy blackhole, we have a cosmetic consuming girl blackhole.

Expect to be missing nail polish, makeup, lotions, et cetera.

Set your calenders to October the twenty-first for another week of end-of-the-world excitement. (Hopefully the actual colliding of protons this time will create a boy blackhole this time.)

LHC Conspiracy

I don’t believe the LHC was created to find the Higgs Boson. I have a few alternate reasons.

• It’s Ernst Stavro Blofeld’s diabolical plot to hold the world at ransom.
• It’s the very expensive starting platform for up-and-coming rapper, Kate McAlpine.
• It’s military experiment designed to give helicopters cancer.
• It’s the plot device for David Tennant to prevent Daleks from invading this world.
• Scientists just want to see what happens when two large hardons collide with each at near-light speeds.
• CERN just wants to run up Geneva’s energy bill.
• Super particle weapon for when the Daleks invade.
• Blow up asteroids. The LHC can shoot explodium atoms; can’t it?
• Constructed solely to give Freeman a new job.
• GMan had some free time on his hands.
• New way to defrost pizza.
• Tourism
• Expensive garden ornament
• Evil conspiracy to give bloggers something to blog about.

Things to do before Sunday

With the world ending Sunday, I think it be proper to give a list of 10 things before the blackhole eats everything. And yes, the world still ends Sunday.
Although, if Kenito’s insight does turn out right, you should read the LHC Survival Guide instead.

Onto the list!

10. Take a nap

9. Play some games

8. Party a bit

7. Snack

6. Watch an old movie

5. Half-Life 2

4. Half-Life

3. Blog about the oncoming end of the world.

2. Sex

1. Listen

It was a tough decision between numbers 1 and 2, but you can always have both. Can’t you?

LHC Survival Guide

With the recent discovery of the true purpose of the LHC, by friend and colleague, Kenito. I present this survival guide to surviving the Resonance Cascade undoubtedly to be created in the next six to eight weeks from now.

First off, I just want to say everyone should procreate like mad before the Combine set up the suppression fields. More people will mean a better chance to survive the mass extinction.

Now on to the list:

• Obtain a solid item, with which you can beat headcrabs and zombies with. Crowbars are recommended, but baseball bats will do.
• Obtain a knife. Get as large a knife as you can comfortably carry around. Knives will be useful to fashion makeshift rope traps and skin animals with.
• Obtain a comfortable breathable shirt. It should dry quickly and be long-sleeved.
• Obtain durable pants. I would suggest really thick jeans with no wash. A belt may be useful in unusual circumstances.
• Obtain a warm jacket. It should be light and comfortable.
• Dress in layers.
• Avoid the cities and towns.
• Head for the mountains. The more secluded your spot, the better.
• Stockpile food.
• Always grab the plastic container with the Red-Cross on it. You will last much longer with a stockpile.
• Learn how to create and string a bow from materials common in a forest. Learn how to make arrows for said bow too.
• Stockpile guns, lots and lots of guns. I would suggest a S&W .357 Revolver. Unfortunately you can only carry two moon-clips plus the cartridges in the cylinder at any one time.
• Get a Zero-Point-Energy-Manipulator. It never needs reloading and any sized item short of a car can be used as a weapon with it. However, it is worth mentioning that the probability of obtaining such a weapon is a point above zero.

However, these are not enough to fully increase your chances to survive the oncoming apocalypse.

Reading Max Brook’s The Zombie Survival Guide will help you survive an incoming headcrab-zombie attack. However, Keep in mind that some parts in The Zombie Survival Guide will not apply for headcrab-zombies.

The Steampunk’s Guide to the Apocalypse touches on many topics rather broadly for when technology will become scarce. Unfortunately, there can be much more detail.

The US Army Survival Manual probably contains everything you need to know past what the Zombie Survival Guide covers. It is rather dense, and you probably won’t finish it.

Read as many survival guides and manuals as you can. They will help you survive this slowly encroaching threat to humanity.

Google’s Logo Today

In an effort to find more stuff to blog about, I’m turning to an inane subject.
We all know Google changes their logo whenever there’s a event of significance.

I have a complaint about today’s logo.
LACK OF EARTH CONSUMING BLACK HOLE FULLY CARICATURED WITH FORK, KNIFE, AND DINNER BIB!

Otherwise I’m fine. Oh and, the World Still Ends Sunday.

Also if you Google “World Ends Sunday”, we pop up first at the time of this writing. That would be awesome if that specific string of words was more commonly used.

World Still Ends Sunday!

Do you see you crazy bloggers? I was right. The world ends Sunday! I bet the microblackhole is travelling to Italy right now looking for pasta with marinara sauce.
If you don’t know what I am talking about, linky here.

The World Ends Sunday!

Well with everyone getting so caught up about how the world’s is going to end on Wednesday, I think it is time I blogged about it.

You are all fucking wrong.

It’s going to end Sunday.

On Wednesday the microblackhole will decide that it doesn’t want to eat anything (it’s a proven fact that blackholes tend to be bloated at the time of birth).

That micro-blackhole will then start trying to find pasta to eat.

During his search for pasta, he will taste a bit of the plate. Now typically, microblackholes enjoy the taste of ceramics, and from there he decides wants to sample every single flavour the universe has to offer.

Now the whole process takes more or less seventy-two hours from the moments of birth. From there the blackhole will take about a day to get to Earth consuming ability.

Now, I may be wrong about this. I highly doubt it, though. It is unlikely the blackhole will turn out to be a girl.